Hahaha.
You've developed a superb use of words, and even used the old trick of pinning the words on someone else in case it all goes pear shaped! Instead of Nigel Swift, how about referring to "a wild-eyed spokesman"...

Seriously though, you're text is superb. In my experience adverse publicity is the one and only thing that galvanises bureaucracies. It's the moment when the boss man gets involved and things happen. Lets do it.